At the beginning of the week I told my therapist that I am just in a crappy mood and pretty much feel like marinating in it because right now I see no way out. Anything she was trying to say to me I had an awesome rebuttal ready to tell her she was wrong and just didn't get it. The clincher is I get really excited when I get pissed in therapy because it usually means some big break through is coming my way. I was still stuck though and break through/change is hard and REALLY uncomfortable. So writing about it only seems like the next natural step. Frustration, depression, and cranky are familiar friends of mine. I have written about this when I am sick as it is highlighted then but sometimes we just have those darker days for no apparent reason. I have literally trained myself to sit in these times, to not numb them out and to use them to reflect on. This week I just wanted to be cranky.
I think sometimes I sit in these places to propel change, when these feelings come up often I know big change is coming so I can honestly welcome it. With that said it is still really hard, but when I read this quote I was able to shift perspective. My struggles are here for a reason and when things start to really pile up it is a test to my true authentic self....in order to embrace and trust my struggle I have a line of questioning that I use that I want to share with you.
1 ~ Where are my frustrations stemming from? What is making me cranky?
I have to become super clear, is it something familiar, something that comes up for me frequently? Is it emotional, physical or both? Am I doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Am I really implementing all my years of therapy, yoga, life experience to change or and I just intellectualizing it with little to no action behind it?
2 ~ Can I change the circumstances or and I am I using excuses for in-action?
I am a big believer that you are the captain of your ship, you alone are responsible for your life and although things may happen to us that are beyond our control, we have a choice to use it to enhance us or we can use it to victimize ourselves. So do I use the list of reasons why "I can't" to not do anything or do I use the list to say screw it nothing is going to stop me.
3 ~ Am I blaming my unhappiness/mood on others **this is a big one
ACCOUNTABILITY, what is my role in my situation, if I am blaming others I am the playing the I am right and you are wrong game. I am victimizing myself, I am closing myself off to learning or seeing different ways, perspectives and probably a big lesson that I need to learn in life. One of my teachers says that anyone that claims to be an expert has stopped learning.
4 ~ Am I addicted to the drama of my life's circumstances?
I grew up around A LOT of drama, it is my family or origins way of existing and their way of numbing out and I catch myself all the time getting caught up in the stories I tell myself of why I can't get out of this cycle or I get addicted to other's people's dramas and I make it really hard because I love listening to people and genuinely love helping those that ask for my help or opinion. I have to be careful and check-in with myself...am I just addicted to the drama right now to avoid doing something that I need to be doing in my life?
5 ~ F.O.M.O. Fear of Missing Out
This is brilliance that I read from Mastin Kipp of TDL this week, I am a busy woman with a ton of responsibilities and I really like to let lose and have some fun so when I get invitations to go out with friends I have to really examine, do I really want to accept the invitation or is it FOMO? I can easily distract away from the work of changing my life with fun and I can rationalize it big time!! I deserve it, I work hard, when do I get to be a little naughty and have some fun, etc...... From Mastin's blog.....
"It’s rampant, pervasive and a dream killer. F.O.M.O., if it dominates your system, WILL prevent you from living your best life at your highest potential.
F.O.M.O. says that wherever we are isn’t the right place and that something, somewhere outside of ourselves is bigger, better and shinier. Some place, other than where you are right now, is where you are “supposed” to be.
I shouldn’t be HERE, I SHOULD be THERE. F.O.M.O. is another way of SHOULDING all over ourselves. And when we should all over ourselves, we deny Grace, we deny Divine Timing, we deny the miracle that is within the present moment waiting to be seen."
So here is my struggle, I have been working on starting a new business. I on top of my full-time job as the owner/operator of my own fitness studio enrolled myself in an online business school this past winter which I have almost finished, late but finishing. In addition I teach yoga at a studio in town 2 mornings a week, I write blogs, I am a Mom of two girls, a wife, I like to have time to be a friend, sister, daughter as well, I go to therapy one-two times per week and all of the incredible long list of details that come with all those responsibilities. Some times every minute of every day is so full and although I am doing all things in alignment with the future vision of this new business I have to be super fierce of protecting some down time for myself and not exhaust myself so I set up the trap of being too busy/physically and emotionally spent to create my new business let alone take care of my body, mind and spirit. So the last few weeks I took on a bit more than I could chew, I fell into my old patterns and traps until this week when my body and mind said ENOUGH! It is a habit, an old coping mechanism that doesn't serve me but is that old comfort zone. So right there I have to TRUST THAT STRUGGLE comes up for me often because I haven't gotten it right yet, not yet in alignment with the new me and my dreams. The frustration of not having enough time and not showing up 100% to all my other life commitments can propel change. I will leave you with more Mastin Kipp....this is my mantra and my practice this week.....
"Wherever you ARE is PERFECT. You have been GUIDED there. And wherever you think you need to be is an illusion.
The present moment, where you are, what you are doing is PERFECT and MIRACULOUS.
Miracles, like Grace, can be wonderful – or they can be a kick in the teeth (in the moment). But in the long run, from the MACRO point of view, we will see why things had to be the way that they are and were.
If you choose to see EVERYTHING has a miracle, then where you are right now is perfect. There is nowhere to run to; there is nothing else to do except be in this moment and allow what is to be. From that place of radical acceptance MAJOR change can happen. The first step in any transformational experience is acceptance and surrender to the present moment the way that it is. From that place we have the awareness, humility and POWER to change what is.
You might have F.O.M.O. – but if this moment is a miracle, there is nothing to chase or run away to, if this is IT… then what would life be trying to show you? What are you learning?
Where is the miracle in this moment? If you have been guided to where you are RIGHT NOW, where is the miracle?"
Please share your struggles with me, what tools do you use? If my tools speak to you try them out and them let me know how they worked! Gratitude for your time and for you.
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